*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
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Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.