@FinallyHeSleeps: Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it's more of a beached-dad-bod.
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@AmishPornStar1: "Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?" -my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
@tastefactory: *bees surround guy* AHHH GET THEM AWAY "Don't make any sudden movements" *suddenly the Macarena comes on* Oh no...
@OhNoSheTwitnt: News: Hillary won the debate! My friends: Bernie won the debate! Trump: I won the debate! Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!