Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
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I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
The human personality is made of five key elements
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
God has left this place
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
*Seductively hides in the woods
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
Punctuation Matters. Period.
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive