You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
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My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?