Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
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I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
my proudest tweet
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to