Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
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It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s