Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
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Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
Do not steal food from the science building!
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…