Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
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the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”