Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
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I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
Ooh I do like a good funnel
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
🙂🙃🥹
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic