[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
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No point crayon over spilled milk.
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.