I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
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75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn