Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
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the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.