Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
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Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
when someone rings the doorbell
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.