@Dawn_M_: Someone asked me if I'd found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@amishschool: My wife yelled, "This is the LAST TIME I'm going to tell you to take out the trash", and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
@DanMentos: My coworker used to joke "I'm allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!". Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
@BuckyIsotope: All the toys under the tree Have now gone completely missing You’ve been hit by You’ve been struck by Reverse Santa Claus
@poizngrl: Going to Walmart with my mom and kids is a great way to test if the Xanax is working! *eye twitches