@Dawn_M_: Someone asked me if I'd found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
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@daemonic3: [shark tank] "Hi, what's your product idea?" Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I'm here to see the tank of sh-... I've made a mistake
@_The_Man__: I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper. You know what paper is? I yell
@ChrisStephensMD: Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that's already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?