Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
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Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
remember
only for emergencies
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.