@msmollybee25: Someone asked me if I'm ever scared that I'll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
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@charliedelta7: I taught my son how to spell beer so he'd stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
@protolalia: "Sorry, that was my bad." "Your bad what?" "No. I'm just sayin': Sorry. My bad." "You're bad at completing an apologetic sentence?" "Yeah"
@CraveMyThoughts: Date someone who spoils you, always says how beautiful you are, and never thinks you've had enough to eat. Date your grandma
@Matt_The_1st: "Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don't we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?"