@msmollybee25: Someone asked me if I'm ever scared that I'll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
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@bobvulfov: FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
@SarcasticAlly12: People say "life's a journey, not a destination," because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
@ericsshadow: [text] "Hey" Hi. "I'm just laying in bed thinking about you." This is your mom. "New phone who dis?" Eric, that doesn't work. You texted me.
@TomSchally: It's that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.