Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
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Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
Body by sandwich.
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.