@msmollybee25: Someone asked me if I'm ever scared that I'll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
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@LackOfShame: "How can I waste ten seconds of someone's time and make total strangers hate me?" - Credit card chip inventor - Me, writing tweets
@danjan13: Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don't think I am.
@PaperWash: Getting a text from someone when I'm trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
@AbrasiveGhost: ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where's the nuke button ADVISOR: why ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it