Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
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*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married