The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
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Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.