Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
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doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.