@ShutUpThatsWho: [God making water] "it helps plants" ANGEL: nice "cleans things" A: ok "u die if u don't drink it" A: "& drown if u drink it wrong" A: what

@Playing_Dad: Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don't think so

@JimmerThatisAll: The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.

@lovejulieacafe: *Speed Dating* Him: Do you have any hobbies? Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard* "TAAA-DAAA!"

@david8hughes: [interrogation] "Where were you on the night of the 5th?" "Dealing drugs." "Louder for the tape?" [leans in] "Healing pugs. I'm a pug vet."