Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
You Might Also Like
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.