Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
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Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
I have a new favorite meme page
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.