Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
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[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂