@mijamtweets: Someone asked where I'm from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, "Like That '70s Show!" and I clarified, "More like Making a Murderer."
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@ericsshadow: [final debate] TRUMP: I'd like to apologize to hillary MODERATOR: umm ok HILLARY: umm ok TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
@AnkCoupleTO: Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I've decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand She'll love it
@lloydrang: Me: You a good personal trainer? Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am. Me: [through tears] Wow, that's personal. You're hired.