@mijamtweets: Someone asked where I'm from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, "Like That '70s Show!" and I clarified, "More like Making a Murderer."
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@Kyle_Lippert: Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it's like a little party on your face.
@ChickenFrecklez: Hubby's head seems like it's almost twice the size of mine. We are never having children.
@MumsieEsq: When your 3yo spits a chewed up wad of cheese into your hand and you're like "where did you find this, I didn't give you any cheese today?"
@KeetPotato: [my 1st day as a getaway driver] bank robber: [jumps in car] "go go go go" me: [reaching under my seat] "how do you make the seat go back?"