Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
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I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
that colleague who touches your screen
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
😂😂