@spekulation: Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I'm not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
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@shkeeber: Her: 911, what's your emerge- Me: SOMEONE'S WEARING CROCS! Her: Sir, that's not an em- Me: WITH A FANNY PACK! Her: I'll send an officer.
@Jam453Lane: Putting up Christmas decorations was a bad idea. I'm drunk and stuck on top of the house with an inflatable Easter Bunny.
@gylertagan: [First Date] Her: What do you do for a living Me: (Forgetting the word masseuse) I uh squeeze people Her: Um...? Me: No its okay they pay me
@LuvPug: *posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters* Caption: I'm so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross