Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
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The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.