@spekulation: Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I'm not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
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@sarcasticmommy4: When I tell my kids I'll do something in a minute, what I'm really saying is, "Please forget."
@JB4Realz: [PHONE] "TSA, How can I help you?" Me: "Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!" Agent: "Umm..." Me: "DAMMIT, HE'S STARVING!"
@ScottLinnen: This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma. SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
@PhuckinCody: ME: Let's go get some chicks [later] FRIEND: This isn't what I had in mind ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe