It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
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Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
Smooooooth
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.