I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
You Might Also Like
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
Another interesting #factupdates post!
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
The three genders
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.