Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
You Might Also Like
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.