Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
You Might Also Like
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.