Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
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Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!