Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
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Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks