Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
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Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules