[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
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Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
People buying plungers never look happy.
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.