Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
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2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
I don’t think my car can fly
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say