“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
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I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
found this cool rock hiking today
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
The Assassin.
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.