Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
You Might Also Like
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
some cats are just doing for fun!
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
a lot to unpack here
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.