I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
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My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
PLEASE READ
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters