DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
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Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
Spell check is for lasers.
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket