My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
You Might Also Like
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.