Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
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A Parenting Story
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂