*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
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These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song