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Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
The struggle is real.
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos