Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
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If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
🤣🤣🤣
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.