Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
You Might Also Like
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
not seeing the problem
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*