bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
You Might Also Like
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.