someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
You Might Also Like
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
Thank you for calling our automated help line. To save time, please answer these 8 questions about your account that our live agent will then re-ask you if I ever eventually connect you to them.
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher