Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
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Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
Growing out my freckles.
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
Everything reminds me of my ex
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.