Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
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roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport