We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
You Might Also Like
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night