(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
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IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium