*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
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Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
they finally got him. they got macavity
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”