*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
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“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
I think this should do it.
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out whatâs been poisoning your familyâ
[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: canât you see Iâm sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and weâre most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
just had a salad but it didnât make me laugh like women in stock photos
As always, Wile E. Coyoteâs plan had unexpected consequences.
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. đ
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted âGive me that!â and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.
Try a craft youâve never done so you can get mad at a person youâve never met.
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
Donât open any messages you get from me. Iâm not hacked, Iâm just really mean
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our CrÚme Brûlée in peace.
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I donât understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
Me :
All Day At Night
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.